carving question marks into my wrist

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-11-20T22:28:00

2005-11-21T06:29:20Z

My grandmother has a more interesting love life than i do.

have i become truly pathetic?

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-10-30T21:09:00

2005-10-31T05:11:09Z

my nostalgia list that i made with (to?) jasmine. read it and me nostaligic with me...

I miss Leah-la-la-land where I could go and never be alone
I miss never having fights with my mom
I miss my babysitter Jaime who told me my goldfish went for a ride when it died and she got me a new one before she picked me up from school
I miss when boys had cooties
I miss when the fact that you could write your name in cursive meant that you were an overachiever
I miss sitting in my room pretending I was a rock star, before I realized I couldn’t sing
I miss faking sick and playing with Barbies and not feeling guilty
I miss sitting with my dad while he did his home repair stuff and thinking I was helping
I miss looking at the 8th graders when I was in 4th grade and thinking that I would never be that old and that they were practically adults: I miss thinking my sisters were invincible and that nothing could ever hurt them
I miss play dates
and play dough
and nap time
and story time
I miss sitting home on Friday night, watching Disney original movies and changing the channel when my sisters came down because they’d tease me and call me a baby
I miss 1 Saturday morning
I miss waking up early in the morning when everyone else was still asleep and tip toeing around and then when my dad woke up he’d make me cereal and watch recess with me
I miss pony rides
and petting zoos
I miss when everyone was friends with everyone else no matter what
I miss when my sisters told my I was too little to build the knex ferries wheel and even though I hated that, secretly I loved the fact that I was babied
I miss when Rebecca’s room was the play room and there was always an unfinished puzzle on the floor
I miss bed time and being tucked in
I miss my mom picking me and my sisters up at the bus stop and then the four of us watching Clarissa explains it all every afternoon
I miss bringing bear to school
I miss when my mom picked out my outfits for me and sometimes she'd surprise me by going shopping for me
I miss sitting on the chair in the family room and reading and asking my mom what words meant every minute
I miss coming home after a bad day and crying in my moms lap and having her be able to make it all better
I miss picture books and coloring books

Does it thunder and lightning, even when the sun shines?

2005-10-27T02:46:08Z

today made me question why i get out of bed in the morning. in bio we spent like half the class talking about what it would be like if humans gave birth to litters. in religion we did nothing. not like i wasnt paying attention and i didnt miss anything nothing, like literaly the word "bible" did not come up once in the entire class. Algebra II was normal. history golden came in and talked to us for a while and then we didnt really do much after that. then in spanish erkman came in and talked to us about myspace and how the internet is a public place. honestly, why do i get up in the morning? at least its started raining! i adore the rain.

Call me emo if you like.....

2005-10-25T03:24:52Z

ehh wrote this last week, spent the past couple days perfecting it. still a work in progress.

Can you hear my silent tears
over the sound of your voice on the radio?
Can you trace the path we've fallowed
to arrive at this place you call home
that's my personal hell?

Ask about me
pretend like you care.
We're the people we hate
That we mock and we tease

Throwing stones and im fragile as glass.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-10-22T21:14:00

2005-10-23T04:24:06Z

how have i become calm minded? im all like.... zen or something. me. zen. it doesnt work. im normally like going crazy all the time and overthinking everything....ok, i still overthink certain things, but i dont get pissed off at people as easily. im just like.... calm. maybe after 15 years of anxiety and being easily annoyed iv finally come to terms with the fact that i can just chill out. or maybe im just too tired to not be calm....

whatever the reason, somehow im unhappy with my life yet remarkably happy.... who knows

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-10-13T17:55:00

2005-10-14T00:59:40Z

Dear lovely Casio Repair People:

I, a loyal casio consumer, am sending my wonderful camera in for reapir. I DID NOT BREAK IT! It broke itself. It took itself to the beach, months ago, and got sand in its own lense. It was the one who was too scared to be sent in all along. NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT AND I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PAY.

i am also nearly broke. please take all of this into consideration while deciding weather you are going to make me pay to have my camera fixed. I, personally, think you should do it out of the goodness of your heart. $20 says you can afford to fix it wayyy more than i can. i take that back cause i dont have $20.

sincerly,
Leah Rappaport

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-10-11T21:23:00

2005-10-12T04:28:14Z

Is it sad that a fortune cookie can make me happy? that thats my last ray of hope? when i opened up the little bag after feasting on chinese food and ripped open the cookie and read, "your dearest desire will come true", i cant say i wasnt happy...excited...amazed at how lame i am for taking a fortune to mean anything more that a few words typed up and printed out, meaning nothing. no, i dont think that tomorrow magical things will happen. but its nice to pretend that maybe they will. although at this point i have no idea what my "dearest desire" is. anything i want would fuck something else up. everything is too complicated. maybe my dearest desire is to be happy again. and as cliche as that is, maybe thats all i really want. maybe someday i'll figure out how....

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-10-08T00:11:00

2005-10-08T07:13:26Z

i'm ok. i'll keep telling myself that until its true.

and in 10 months, when i can drive away from here, it will come true. 10 short months.....

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-10-02T15:51:00

2005-10-02T22:56:17Z

i havent been me lately. not at all. i'v been the me i hate. the fake, sad me. but i think thats over. im happy right now.

after a shitty week, i had a good weekend. horse show in woodside so i didnt have to go to school on friday. stayed home friday night and watched sex and the city. saterday after the show i went to the movie night thing at school and then today i went to the show and won myself reserve champion. :). ok, that helps my weekend, i wont lie, i like to win....

now i have hours and hours of homework. thats ok, i have tom petty to get me through it. and brad paisley. im sorry, im in love with brad paisley again. i was listening to tom petty and he got me all into the country state of mind, and thats where brad comes in.... o well.

....excuse me?

2005-09-29T06:36:31Z

good charlotte.

playing bridge school.

might i ask what the fuck is happening to the world?

from the bridge school website:

19th Annual Bridge School Benefit Concert
Saturday, October 29th
and
Sunday, October 30th
at Shoreline Amphitheater
Mountain View

Featured Artists Include:
Crosby Stills, Nash & Young
Dave Matthews (Solo, Sunday only)
Norah Jones
Emmylou Harris
Jerry Lee Lewis
Good Charlotte
Bright Eyes
Los Lobos
and Special Guests

and to quote cookie monster, which one of these things is not like the others?

so much for going and having it be a repeat of the crazyness of last year. this makes me mad.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-09-21T20:23:00

2005-09-22T03:25:46Z

Shity day today. fucking shity. thats the only way to describe it. but my shity days have gotten better, or iv gotten better at handling them. or numb to the pain. im not sure which.

Going to denver to see sara tomorrow after school! so excited!!!!!!!!!! still not used to the fact that i have to fly 2 hours to see my sister, but im going to see her tomorrow! yay!

well, time to study up on brunelleschi and the building of his dome!

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-09-18T18:01:00

2005-09-19T01:05:39Z

i hate being two faced. but i cant seem to stop.

dance friday night. it was ok. i donno, im not really the dance type. but there was hella shit going on. ppl got arrested and sent to the hospital and stuff for drinking. ahhhh drama, so exciting!

last night molly jasmine shelley erik and i chilled in los altos. i died erik's hair black. it looks fucking awesome! now we just have to get him in tight jeans.... and out of flamboiant shirts.....

lots of work to do. dont feel like doing any of it.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-09-11T21:14:00

2005-09-12T04:27:20Z

im so sick.

i havent had energy for like a week.

that means i havent ridden for a week.

went to DC this weekend for my cousins Bar Mitvah.

Got checked out by a bunch of 12 year olds. would be flattered if i was 3 years younger. do i look 12?

happy to be home.

i'v been feeling anti social lately. but i dont feel confortable without being surounded by people. not a good combonation.

I descovered last night that im a bitch. i'v become the type of person i spent years hating. and i hate myself for it.

Lonely and depressed is my default emotion. when i have no reason to feal otherwise, i become lonely and depressed. like right now.

I feel like im falling apart at the seams. I need to learn to stitch myself up and not wait for someone to come along and do it for me.

Im addicted to death cab. i think i need a 12 step program

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-09-07T21:38:00

2005-09-08T04:47:17Z

schools gotten... better? i donno, i guess i like most of my classes. no big social disasters to speak of as of yet. i guess its fine. good. whatever. fill in your favorite neutral adjective.

stayed at molly's sunday/monday/tuesday. that was muy fun. went up to the city with her and allison on monday. very fun. got some cute stuff.

I'm officially alone. my parents came back from dropping sara off in denver this afternoon. its just me now. and for the next three years. yikes. it feels weird. im trying to reassure myself. pointing out all the good things. i got in the shower today and i could sing at the top of my lungs without sara getting mad at me. or i got to decide what was for dinner tonight, including avocado in the salad, which rebecca doesnt like. but its still like my sisters are gone and no amount of avocado or singing in the shower is going to bring them back. :( . i'm going to visit sara in a few weeks so that should be nice.

ok this song is my song right now. well, its ben gibard's song. but i adore it.

"Summer Skin"

Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win
Cause the seasons change was a conduit
And we left our love in our summer skin

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-08-31T21:18:00

2005-09-01T04:19:56Z

school started. first day of classes today. im starting to think about bording school again. that should sum up how im feeling well enough.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-08-18T12:51:00

2005-08-18T20:01:11Z

went school suply shopping today. sara had to get glue sticks so we wound up at mcwarters and i figured id have to do it eventually. does this mean summers over? im deffinatly not ready for sumemr to be over. not at all.

my birthday was very good. went up to the city with my dad and then to cpk with ppl. i love my birthday.

something just fell down in my shower and then my door blew open. i think my room is haunted.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-08-15T12:15:00

2005-08-15T19:22:04Z

today is august 15th. which means that tomorrow is august 16th. which is MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is all.

I'll never believe in love again

2005-08-12T04:55:51Z

i got the new spill canvas cd yesterday. its ok. has some good songs. not as good as Sunsets and Car Crashes. but theres one song on it that im in love with and i totally completly relate to and i love love love love love love. natalie marie and 1cc. its pretty much like every word of this song was written about me. that feeling happened alot while listening to the album. anyways, here are the lyrics.

"Natalie Marie And 1cc"

Yeah there's a method to my madness
If only I could find it I could make you safe
See there's a therapist trying to tell me that
you are just a figment of my tainted brain

No, I believe
that you're not just conjured up
No, I believe
'cause I feel it when we touch

You make it dry when it's raining outside
You warm my blood when the temperature dies
You're my crutch when it's all to hard to bare
See without you here I could not be anywhere

A wide-eyed flutter and the violins, they swell
I lost everything I own
I don't need it, can't you tell?
Oh, all I truly need is you (Natalie Marie)
This disturbing make-believe's come true (Natalie Marie)

I spent every cent I had
just to buy the things that you would ultimately never get
But now I'm starting to believe that I'm really going crazy
'cause I can't recall when we met

No, I believe
that you're not just conjured up
No, I believe
'cause I feel it when we touch

You make it dry when it's raining outside
You warm my blood when the temperature dies
You're my crutch when it's all to hard to bare
See without you here I could not be anywhere

A wide-eyed flutter and the violins, they swell
I lost everything I own
I don't need it, can't you tell?
Oh, all I truly need is you (Natalie Marie)
This disturbing make-believe's come true (Natalie Marie)

Natalie, it turns out that your were just my sick little fantasy
So I tried to pry you from my head
Now look at me
It appears as if I've injured myself severely, yeah
But like the doctor said you were always dead

Now I'm in stitches
Over you and over you, oh
Now I'm in stitches
Over you and over you, oh

A wide-eyed flutter and the violins, they swell
I lost everything I own
I don't need it, can't you tell?
Oh, all I truly need is you (Natalie Marie)
This disturbing make-believe's come true (Natalie Marie)

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-08-10T18:38:00

2005-08-11T01:39:48Z

sorry about the entry yesterday. i shouldnt feel that way. im lucky to have all these amazing people around who love me and i understand that. i'll get through whatever this is and i'll stop bitching and moaning about my life in the mean time.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-08-09T21:08:00

2005-08-10T04:18:25Z

i feel like im wasting away. i walk around my house like a zombie. i sit in my room doing absolutly nothing for hours on end. i cant write anymore. the pen meets the paper and i hate what comes out. i end up crossing it out and trying again, only to have identical results. im drained. not tired, if i was tired i would be able to sleep at night. or so you'd think. but i can't. i stay up all night thinking. thinking. thinking. thinking. just thinking. i could go into a complete emo moment (I am listening to elliott smith...) and cry and tell you how much my life sucks and how i want to end it all. but i won't subject you to that. I feel like im dead already anyways.

sure, this will pass. i'll be fine soon. don't worry about me. dont give me pity comments. i'll be fine. i guess i just needed to get it all out.

timing's everything. some people cant get their's right.

maybe it's good that i have a horse show this week and have been put under house arrest. maybe i need some time away from people to figure myself out.

maybe i'm just crazy and over dramatic.

maybe i'll shut up now.

Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me is Gone

2005-08-04T05:35:37Z

Okay. Next time your friends have all gone vacationing away, or are self-sufficiant enough to have jobs, or are at camp, or whatever, and your stuck at home with a sunburn, a headache, and your parents (sounds like a fun combonation, huh?) do not fear, waste your hours away on tinymixtapes.com!!!!!!!!! its this site where you can submit a situation and people give you a "mixtape" of songs that fit your situation. some of the situations are very funny. check it out.

other than that, im so sunburned i cant move. i got blood taken today. apparently i have small veins so my doctor couldnt do it so i had to go to stanford to get it taken. that was fun. then i came home and slept. not intentionally. Now im listening to elliott smith thinking. im in a thinking mood. i need a hug.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-07-27T15:08:00

2005-07-27T22:13:19Z

reel big fish concert last night. they are my gods. over two hour set. best concert of my life, i believe. went pretty crazy moshing around and shit. got pushed up so tht i was three people away from the lead singer. have a nasty ass bruise on my arm. oh well. it doesnt really hurt. the rest of me hurts like hell tho. definatly worth it tho. definatly. fucking amazing. wow. now i cant stop listening to reel big fish.

oh i also chopped all my hair off yesterday. quite impulsively. apparently its not that short, however its the shortest iv had it in a number of years. since 6th grade quite possibly. getting it died on friday. talked to the lady whos gonna die it yesterday when i went to get it cut. she has some cool ideas so hopefully it will turn out cool.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-07-24T21:48:00

2005-07-25T04:48:02Z

did you really think a post like that could go without a poem fallowing it? well here it is.

When it rains it pours
And a parade must be near
I know, I know it’s not fair
In a thriving garden
I’m the thirsty shrub
Watching everyone else grow
As I think of dieing

possibly a work in progress, possibly a finished product. who knows.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-07-24T19:12:00

2005-07-25T02:13:13Z

back from calistoga. hot as hell. it was about 104 when i was riding yesterday. i had a good show tho. hard. i love my new horse to pieces and have tons of adorable pictures of him now.

maybe i'm just tired but i feel like my life is falling apart. i dont have much to depend on anymore. everything and everyone is changing. maybe i was just fooling myself when i thought i could actually be happy any longer. maybe the world just loves to rain on my fucking parade. whatever the reason, i find myself randomly on the verge of tears. and no, its not that time of the month. well lets just assume i'll wake up well rested tomorrow and realize im crazy right now. im not crazy, im just a little unwell. and no one is allowed to kill me for quoting matchbox 20 there.

prettyinpunk187 @ 2005-07-18T15:37:00

2005-07-18T22:39:20Z

i don't post anymore. do i do anything anymore? why yes, i ride two horses and walk around los altos/ palo alto like the crazy little girl i am. ocasionally i do other things as well. like go to japan and look at shrines, go to australia and look at hot guys, and go to orlando and go on crazy rollar coasters. sometimes i even spend a night at home, in the heat. for some reason, i dont post anymore though. maybe i'll start again. maybe. maybe i wont. who knows. i think my life might be better expressed using pictures. of which we took 110 yesterday/saterday night. their so cool. and jarrod is so hot. the links in my profile but i'll put it here to, so you can oooogle at jarrod some more.

Jarrod and ben and karina the camera whores

i'm going to napa for a horse show on wed. stoked. taking both horses.